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MONTY Panesar drew the short straw on Monday, assigned to try to defuse the latest eruption to rock the shell-shocked England dressing room - and he was the wrong man for the job.
Only one person could adequately explain to whom newly-retired teammate Graeme Swann was referring when he claimed some Test cricketers were up themselves - and that was Swann himself.
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Weakly, he chose not to - he didn't even identify a team.
Just when the tour from hell seemed it could get no worse, it did with Swann's ambiguous outburst raising new questions about team unity and morale.
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The veteran off-spinner had said: "Some people playing the game at the moment have no idea how far up their own backsides they are.
"It will bite them on the a--- one day and when it does I hope they look back and are embarrassed about how they carried on."
Assuming Swann was referring to English players, former captain Michael Vaughan asked on Twitter "which ones exactly?" adding that he agreed some players were getting ahead of themselves but "I don't think he should have said it the day after retiring."
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Journalist Derek Pringle, a former Test player, suggested Swann's outburst was "a barely disguised swipe at some of his fellow England players for not respecting the game."
Pringle said Swann "refused to name the guilty players but it is well-known he and Kevin Pietersen do not send each other Christmas cards."
Swann replied to Vaughan's tweet, denying he was referring to teammates.
"Don't jump to conclusions Vaughney. I wasn't talking about the England dressing room or anyone in it. You too BBC," he posted, and then deleted it.
Graeme Swann pictured at the MCG after sensationally retiring on Sunday. Picture: Wayne Ludbey Source: News Limited
Vaughan hit back with: "We all make mistakes @Swannyg66 . I make plenty ... I am afraid on this occasion you have made one."
So who has earned Swann's disdain?
If it's not Pietersen or any of the other tourists, the next most obvious candidates would be the Australians - but which ones?
Whoever he's talking about, he might well be on the money - and if so, go for it. There's been worse sledging than that lately.
But its not acceptable to just to tip a bucket in the general direction of all and sundry.
If you're going to point fingers in this fashion, you should have the guts to stand up and be counted on it.
Swann's unexpected retirement was already controversial, with outspoken English media figure Piers Morgan leading the charge in one direction with: " ... it's not courageous to quit an Ashes series before its finished, its selfish."
British media firebrand Piers Morgan - a close friend of Kevin Pietersen - couldn't resist unleashing on Twitter.
Most, though, accepted that with his 34 year old body arcing up at the workload, he was entitled to time his sign-off as he saw fit.
He said he regarded his teammates as family and was nervous about moving on without their mateship.
He also said playing international cricket was like winning the lottery. "It annoys me when people take it for granted and get above their station because they shouldn't.
"It's the most privileged thing any man can do."
That was seen as an applaudable exit line which might have retrieved any goodwill he lost when he was forced to apologise for a regrettable social media gaffe in which he compared the Perth defeat with being raped.
Now, for all his humour and popularity, the loose cannon side of him has people off-side again.
Team management chose not to respond themselves on Monday, instead sending Swann's replacement to the daily media conference.
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Predictably Panesar had no criticism and said he had "no idea to be honest" who Swann was referring to. "We are right behind him," he said several times.
Whistling in the dark, he also repeatedly insisted the dressing room was hungry and determined and would now demonstrate fight and character.
But the impatient, aggressive tone of some of the questions told its own story when he was asked whether the campaign had become a joke and should there be an apology.
Mild-mannered Monty didn't think so.
ron.reed@news.com.au
Twitter: @Reedrw
LIFE AFTER SWANN: MORE ISSUES FOR ENGLAND
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