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ALL Ashes series are preceded by a Phoney Wars punctuated by routine predictions of 5-0 whitewashes, transparent mind games and chest-beating jingoistic rhetoric.
But the period of silly name calling, hollow accusations, petty internal squabbling and juvenile taunting before this Ashes series has made parliamentary question time seem like the Algonquin Round Table.
Shane Warne claims Alastair Cook's captaincy is boring, when, in fact, the only monotonous thing Captain Cook does is win. Nine Test victories in 16 as captain with a single defeat to India in a series England won.
Ricky is mean to Michael who is friends again with Shane who was just misunderstood. Which, alarmingly, is the dressing room machinations of the Australian team, not the plot of High School Musical 3.
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Arrogantly we accuse Kevin Pietersen of arrogance. In response the South Engfrican launches a smarm offensive that only emphasises why, if not for an outsized batting average, Pietersen's teammates would gladly row him back to Johannesburg.
The Australian boosters claim the English are more prepared for a poker tournament than a cricket series after several days in Hobart and Sydney are washed out. The English lick their lips at the thought of bowling to Australian batsmen Ian Botham claims should be carrying the drinks for the Randwick fifths.
Then, just as sanity is set to be restored by the start of play, the silliest remark of all from the most reliable source. David Warner claims - presumably while free from the influence of alcohol or narcotics - that the English are scared of Australia.
If so, after three consecutive series victories, England's nerves must be so fragile they carry smelling salts on the ghost train at a primary school fete. Let alone while facing Ryan Harris.
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Of course, for all the contrived controversies, internal squabbling and crystal ball gazing, the reality of this series is . . . the reality. What happens after the first ball is bowled.
For Australians disheartened by the now ritual humiliations inflicted by the Old Enemy, and bemused by their team's internal combustion, there will be considerable cause for optimism when all the smoke clears today at the Gabba.
Australia are not as bad as recent results - a troubled 4-0 drubbing in India followed by an almost equally tumultuous 3-0 defeat in England - suggest. Particularly now that the fault-lines in a team that became gaping craters have not merely been papered over, but properly addressed.
Coach Darren Lehmann is not everyone's schooner of New. The avuncular South Australian can be friendly, obliging and welcoming; but also terse, aggressive and combative.
Lehmann's incitement of Australian crowds to jeer Stuart Broad was not great politics. But if it was the type of statement that will have been welcomed in the sheds by players who will believe their coach has their back.
This, recent revelations suggest, is in stark comparison with the less unifying environment created by former coach Mickey Arthur. One in which uncertainty about selection, tactics and discipline only compounded insecurity in a team divided along personality lines.
If Lehmann has fulfilled his promise of creating a more harmonious change room, captain Michael Clarke's summer will be much easier. Even more so if his, as seems possible, his fellow batsmen ease his burden.
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Much of the focus entering the first Test is on mature-aged debutant George Bailey whose easygoing nature has been heralded as a magic ingredient. But the attributes that have made Bailey a fine limited-overs captain and player will count for little if he can't contribute significantly with the bat.
The greater source of encouragement for Australia is that, overall, a batting line-up that underwent more makeovers than a Double Bay housewife in England is settled. Warner earned his place with a first-class hundred, Watson looks solid at three and, most encouragingly, Steve Smith is emerging as a player of substance.
With James Pattinson and Mitchell Starc injured, the greatest concern is with the bowling line-up. Most obviously, whether Dr Mitchell or Mr Johnson turns up in Brisbane. Do we get a stump shattering blitzkrieg from the lightning left-armer, or scuds that prompt square leg umpires to call for a helmet?
Still, for the first time in a while, there is a sense of order and stability about Australia's line-up. Nor, despite their recent dominance, do England seem as daunting as before the last series.
There are two ways of assessing England's home victory. Either they played well below their best, yet still romped to a convincing 3-0 win by raising their game for the big moments.
Alternatively, Australia began to prise open cracks not previously seen in the English. Bowling full to Cook and short to Jonathan Trott. Making hay from the third paceman who is not a patch on the brilliant openers Jimmy Anderson and Broad.
At the same time, bone dry English pitches made for a sometimes tedious war of attrition that played to local strengths. Notably, the superior off-spin of Graeme Swann and reverse swing of their quicks.
Juicier pitches in Brisbane and Perth, particularly, won't necessarily discourage England. But, like the series itself, they will create uncertainty and excitement.
The Phoney War has been, in its Vaudevillian way, an entertaining time-filler. But no match for the real thing.
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