Is there anything left to celebrate?

Only the diehards remain as the Ashes series winds down in England. Source: AP

HE was walking slowly away from the stadium. His 'Smash 'Em Warner' banner dragged on the ground, his rubber kangaroo was deflated and the Cronulla Cape drooped limply from his shoulders.

Half-heartedly, he raised his chin and let out a muffled chant: "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!"

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Around him, people looked up and asked: "Where?"

The answers, of course, was nowhere. Not in the big game or winning the big prize. Not on the top of the podium of lifting the urn. Not any more.

Instead, it was another week, and another Aussie sporting disaster. So I walked up an introduced myself.

He put out a giant yellow hand, emblazoned with the words 'Cmon Aussie Cmon'.

"Agnatic," he said. "Frank Anatic. What do you want?"

Just a quick chat.

"When do you want it?"

Now.

"Yeah, ha, good one. We used to do that one a lot for Lleyton. Back in the day."

We? I asked. Where are the rest of you?

"Some of them decided to get jobs. A few looked up their addresses and went home to see their families. Lot of yellow shirts, Aussie flag hats and green and gold sunscreen going cheap on eBay if you're interested."

Despite the dwindling numbers, Frank had decided to follow the Ashes tour to the bitter end.

"Well, you've got to support the team," he said. "Besides, I checked the fine print. There was a no cancellation policy with our tour group except in the event of 'natural disaster'. And, believe it or not, the Aussie batting didn't qualify."

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I asked Frank what it was like watching the Australians lose so miserably to a country they used to dominate.

"What do you think it's like being wedged into a tiny bucket seat next to a 135 kilogram plumber from Mudgee listening to the Barmy Army bellow 'Stand up if you're 3-nil up, stand up if you're 3-nil up' over and over while washing down something from a greasy van that takes extraordinary liberties with the definition of 'food' with expensive warm beer?"

So, ummm, not good?

"No, terrific fun!" he said looking down at the 'We Luv Ya Warney' t-shirt stretched across his beer belly.

"Just the results suck. When Merv Hughes' 28th recitation of the story of Booney's Australia to England can drinking record is the highlight of the tour, you know we're having a shocker."

But you must have had some good times. Drank in some good English pubs?

"Yeah," said Frank. "Found one showing the British Lions match. Can you imagine what it's like watching that with a bunch of stockbroking types called Jeremy and Sebastian dressed like they're modelling for the September cover of Horse and Hound magazine snorting Pimms out of their nostrils every time another Welshman scores? Give me seven hours beside a flatulent Barmy any day."

So you didn't go back to that pub for the Bledisloe Cup game?

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"Naah, thought we'd find a different one. Turned out it was full of Kiwis. You know how hard it is to land a decent sheep joke when the Wallabies are lambs to the slaughter? Can't even blame it on a Kiwi coach any more. All Blacks are the best baaaaaaa none. Ha ha ha."

But there has been a few things to celebrate, I ventured. Ummm, James Magnusson winning the world championship?

"Mate, they might have won a few Olympic medals. But you'd have to put most Poms on a sinking ship to get them half-interested in swimming."

Sally Pearson's terrific silver medal in Moscow?

"Ha," said Frank. "I love Super Sally. But they've got Mo Farah. For the Brits these days, second is the first loser."

So has there been anything to keep the spirits up over here?

"Yeah. At least we won the fight."

Didn't Daniel Geale lose?

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"Naah, not that fight. That one was a bigger stitch-up than the English pitches. The 'Real Steal', they should call that Pom. I'm talking about David Warner and Joe Root. Mind you, compared to what usually happens at the Walkabout, that was as savage as a nightclub jellywrestle."

So where do you think it's all gone wrong?

"Kids don't want it any more. No motivation. Soft. Not up for the fight."

The athletes?

"No. They're just no good. I'm talking about the fans. They just want to sit there and watch. Don't have the passion. Don't have the lungs. Way things are going, you'll soon be able to go to an Australian sporting event without hearing any of us. Imagine what that would be like."